Scenario ABC
by Ryou VeRua
Summary: Anzu is coming back. Yugi is nervous. Ryou is annoyed. And horny. Implications of bad behaviour, but nothing close to M. Warning: Random references and stuff. Run from the brain-melting crack while you can. -for contest- Heartshipping


**Scenario ABC**

Freaking... bored. And desperate. And clearly spewing crap. This is my lame Heartshipping fic. Heartshipping... I let you down, I'm so sorry...! This is a couple years in the future (Anzu has been in America for a while now). Anyway, I had fun making Ryou out to be like what Bakura could have been if he'd grown up normal. Possibly Yugi a bit rougher around the edges like Atemu as well. W/e. This is deletion bait when the round is over.

I make many references –Soul Eater (anime version) ... (there's a lot of it) ... (yes, I know it isn't a hammer but a tonpa, but this is the YGO fandom anyway, gawd), Dark Knight, my last contest entry because I'm that lame, the terrifying being that is 4kids, and blah blah blah. I don't own any of them, along with YGO. Leave me alone, I'm tired and rushing this... What an awful way to start off the week...

.... Horny-nerd!Ryou rulez. The best kind of Ryou there is. Also, I don't bash. I swearz it. Lastly, the letter 'z' is awesomez (because S. Colbert plays it!).

* * *

It was a hazy morning at the airport – night, as far as Yugi was concerned. Anzu's flight had come in at some ungodly hour that should be banned in all countries. It was probably why he could not remember what they had spent the last half hour talking about, or why he did not know why she was suddenly glaring at him.

She let out a strange guttural growl. _Like Batman in that... in that interrogation scene – that was a lot funnier than it was supposed to be. Oh, she was saying something wasn't she? God, I'm so tired._

"You were talking about your relationship status," she said. Yugi supposed he should be worried that she had just read his mind. But then again... _Holy Mother of Batman, she sounds like she's about to cough up a fur ball._ Yugi tried not to giggle. No, he would definitely not get up this early again.

"I'm not single anymore. Uh, taken. Occupied? I don't know. Dating. Yeah, that's it."

"What?" She said, and her eyes glittered maliciously. "You're going out with someone else?"

"Uh... Maybe?" He was suddenly wide awake. Her bracelets were jingling and clinking against each other of their own volition and her aura - chi, energy, whatever - was pooling around her in the form of flames. Yugi sweat and aired out the back of his collar. He then almost choked out a fur ball of his own and gasped as Anzu seemed to grow – actually _did_ grow – about ten stories tall.

"_Yuuuugiiiiii_," she roared with the distorted, mangled voice of an english cartoon villain gone wrong, picking him up by his jacket with two needle-sharp nails. His arms were spinning like windmills. "_How – dare – you!"_

There was a flash of white at the toe of her right shoe, much taller than Yugi would ever be. Ryou was there suddenly and Yugi shouted at him, desperate. "Ryou! Oh God, Ryou, help me!"

Ryou looked up at Anzu with one of the most passionate, adoring looks Yugi had ever seen on his pale face - and he had seen quite a few of its various forms. "You," he said conversationally to the giant, fire-breathing Anzu, "would be _absolutely perfect_ for my deck!"

Anzu let out a Godzilla-style roar and broke through the ceiling in response.

Somewhere behind Anzu were Mokuba and Shizuka shooting away with what looked like machine guns – and now the evil Bakura, somehow back from the dead, was propped on Anzu's shoulder, cackling and shouting, "Bow down to the ultimate power! The items are mine!"

"I found her first!" Ryou hollered back up at him. "She'll be my ace in the hole!"

"_Over my stolen body!_"

"No Ryou," Yugi murmured, impossibly lost in his covers, "Don't use her in your deck..."

On the other side of the bed, Ryou was chanting to himself as calmly as he could manage, "One more week one more week _one more bloody week..._"

-o-O-o-O-o-

_Five days left. Just five days_, Ryou thought. The skin under his eyes was developing a purple tinge and his brain throbbed every now and then to let him know that it was still functioning. He moaned as the world lurched for a moment and little Millennium Rings danced around his head. _Oh God, there's still five days left. Five long, long days. I won't survive. I have to take care of this._

Ryou shuffled closer across Yugi's bed where he was pretending to read while he chewed off his bottom lip. The act would have been much more convincing if the book had not been upside-down. "Yugi, I didn't realise you were one to be so anxious. Would you like me to just tell her and be done with it?"

"No," Yugi said weakly. "That's alright. It's my responsibility as a – as a close friend – Ryou, don't do that when I'm talking to you, _aah –_"

"Just helping you relax," Ryou said cheerfully through a mouthful of Yugi's earlobe. "What do you think she'd do, bite your head off? It's Anzu."

"That was one scenario actually." Yugi squirmed a bit and managed to push Ryou off to the side.

Ryou made sure his pout was in full view. "The Godzilla one? Or was this the demon one? You've been getting so creative lately and I just can't keep up."

"Godzilla variation."

"Ah. Can you write the next one down? I need a new Monster World scenario."

"That's it. You are sleeping at your _own_ place tonight."

-o-O-o-O-o-

The words had just left his mouth but the air had already started tingling with electricity. Anzu's hair was whipping around her head wildly and practically crackling. On the bright side, she was not as tall as Mt. Fuji. A good start.

"You found someone else?" she said mournfully. Was her arm glowing? Oh yes, Yugi thought faintly. It was definitely glowing and morphing into something much larger and solid. If he had been scared of being on the receiving end of one of her slaps, he was absolutely terrified now.

"Despicable," she said softly. "Unforgivable." _It's a hammer, a god-damn hammer!_

"_Unfaithful bastard!_" Anzu swung down her hammer-arm and it hit where Yugi had been standing just a second ago with an almighty crash.

"Please, can't we talk about this?" Yugi cried out desperately. There was now a crater about a foot deep in the lobby.

A dark-haired woman in a smart pant suit adjusted her glasses from behind Anzu. "She really deserves to be called the 'crushing weapon.'"

"Who the Hell are you?!" Yugi cut himself off before his next sentence and dove out of the way of her next swing. "Who's a weapon? _Ryou!"_

Wearing a strange combination of a labcoat (why in the world was it patched up like that?) and a bright pink tank top with Diabound pictured wrapped around his waist, Ryou bounced on the balls of his feet as he inspected Anzu again from a safe distance. Yugi cowered behind a pillar and quivered. "Forget your deck for now, please, please just _help_ me –"

Ryou finally shook his head, looking as if someone had just died. "She isn't nearly scary looking enough for my deck."

"What awesome power! This is truly a monster worthy of me!" Seto Kaiba announced with a dramatic flare of his trench coat. He hung from a mini helicopter – it was straining from a combination of his weight and its effort not to collide with the ceiling. The helicopter was weaving drunkenly around pillar after pillar, most likely due to the absence of a pilot - or more likely, due to the presence of Jounouchi in the pilot's chair; he grinned like a child with a shiny new toy.

Anzu rounded the pillar and Yugi wished for the first time in his life that he was smaller.

"Found you," Anzu said with a smile. She brought her hammer-arm back for a huge swing – Yugi reached for Ryou.

"Help – _me –"_

Their eyes met for one long second. Dream Ryou tilted his head slightly and smiled. "Can I bring you back as a duel monster? You would be _perfect_ for my deck."

"Oh fuck _you –_"

SMASH.

-o-O-o-O-o-

"Electric half-mutant weapon woman. Nice. I'm using that when Jounouchi and Honda come over next week."

"Thank you for reminding me why I should lock my window at night. Did you climb up here?"

"I'm a pure-bred lonely geek, I have nothing better to do at one in the morning."

"Like sleep? God-damn thief incarnate."

"That stung, really. Now shove over a bit so I can get a better shot at you."

-o-O-o-O-o-

There were two nights left before Anzu's arrival date. Ryou decided to Hell with it and picked the locks on Yugi's skylight. He made sure not to give Yugi a chance to dream that night.

Grandpa Motou banged the end of his broom against the ceiling for half an hour before finally giving up.

-o-O-o-O-o-

"You look awful," Ryou said cheerfully at 3:02 on the morning of Anzu's arrival. "Sickly. Possibly dying. Straight out of my de –"

"_Don't_," Yugi said in a low voice. "Do _not_ say it. I will actually attempt to murder you." Tired Yugi was not a happy Yugi.

"Attempt being the key word, I suppose. I guess it's good that we decided to let me drive?"

"Yup." He leaned his head against the headrest with his eyes shut and vowed to discover Ryou's secret to a good early morning.

"You had another dream, then."

"I didn't go to sleep last night. Didn't want to chance another one."

Ryou whistled long and low. "My goodness, I didn't think you had it in you. Is that where my caffeine stash went?"

"Good guess."

"I use those, you know. My best scenarios have come from a Red Bull/Mango Bubble Tea cocktail. Mango Bull Tea for short."

"That is disgusting, now shut up and drive."

"You're cranky when you're tired," Ryou observed. "You're also oblivious. We're here already."

"... Huh."

"We've been here for about twenty minutes."

"... Huh."

"Anzu is outside your window."

"... Shit."

"I opened your window and she can hear everything we're saying."

Yugi turned to the window where Anzu stood with one fine eyebrow cocked. "... Huh."

"You look tired," she said, trying and failing to keep down a grin.

"Everyone keeps saying that." After waking up a few disobedient limbs, Yugi forced himself half through the window and hugged her around the middle. "Welcome home, Miss Broadway."

"Good morning, Sunshine," Anzu said and hugged him back just as tightly.

Ryou unceremoniously pulled Yugi out the rest of the way by his collar and he fell on top of Anzu. "I don't mean to rush you two through your lovely reunion," he said in a tone that said, _Yes, actually, I did and I would do it again_, "but Yugi has something to tell you, for the sake of my sanity."

A giant, flame-spitting hammer-armed Anzu danced in a vision behind the real one. "No I don't!"

Ryou's smile was twitching, though it was only perceptible at the very corner of his mouth. "Oh, I certainly think you_ do._"

"Nope. Definitely not."

"Tell her or I'll show Grandpa the movies Jounouchi gave you last week."

"You _wouldn't_!"

"I'm dating someone else!"

"Aha!" Ryou said triumphantly. "How easy was that, Anzu? ... Ah. Anzu."

"In America." Anzu was looking at him like he would suddenly start breathing fire. Or perhaps get a weapon limb. He would probably prefer a cool blade himself, but that was more personal preference. "His name is Kilik. I meant to tell you earlier, but I chickened out. You aren't..."

"Oh good." Yugi could breathe again, suddenly. "No, no, don't worry about me. You don't know happy I am to hear that. So, so so happy."

"As am I," Ryou said mysteriously. The next second he was on top of Yugi.

"This is what you wanted to tell me, huh?" Anzu said dryly as Yugi choked on Ryou's tongue. "Alright. I guess I'll load my things into the trunk myself."

"Oh, just keep them on the curb," Ryou chirped, leaving Yugi gasping for breath on the ground. "We'll be done in a minute, tops."

"Sorry," Yugi said in a daze. "I... I like this scenario, Ryou."

"Which reminds me," said Ryou. "Dream Me was wrong. _You_ are the only one perfect for my deck."

* * *

A/N: My legend began in the twelfth century... I start every morning with a cup of tea. This is of vital importance - do not forget this. FOOL.


End file.
